We create our own situations

Haven't posted here for quite some while and I intend to change that habit for the good. It's been a tumultous life, ever since the awakening and somehow I managed to go back to the old circle of misery and feeling all pessimistic towards life... I thought it was not supposed to happen that way, with me having gone through the joyous experiences of meditation and all... but something elementary had gone missing or rather as I just realized, I had again got back into the same old habit of trying to swim against the current and ending up nowhere. I don't know if it happens to everybody, but there does come a time when you look back at the life you have lived and wonder if it was all worth it? The current situation you are in will always lead you to this question somehow or the other. The past few months have been really frustrating in terms of not being able to find what I was supposed to do and what exactly was supposed to happen through me. I figured out that for a person to really accomplish something that he/she loves, there is bascially the need for some kind of leverage. Although this can be generalized, but broadly, the two main types of leverage are Money, Time or Both. I didn't and still don't have both. Time always seems to be against me and half of my plans are not put into motion because of lack of cash. So it was natural for me to start criticising my own situation as it seemed to loom over me like a threatning & vicious monster, ready to suck the life away from me any moment. Really, perhaps someone else than me would have taken some drastic step and either would have ended his life or gone mad.. I don't know, maybe I'm exagerrating on that part, but that was just how things were. The word 'Meditation' merely remained a word in my life as I found myself caught in the eternal whirlpool of the mind which of course knows no settling.
But then, existence is never far from us and I can say that it starts working the moment we let it. Wisdom which I never found in any book so far(I haven't read any for a long time now) seems to just penetrate from a mysterious spurce and bathes the whole spirit in some kind of warm energy that is just to difficult to describe in words. it feels as if the strong of lights has just penetrated into the deepest most darkest of caves and illuminated every nook & corner. While I lay silently in bed contemplating as to what exactly had led me back into the traps of the mind and why exactly was I being put through such an ordeal, back came from the reply that wasn't of the mind, it couldn't be. The first words of wisdom were that if the mind was not so chaotic, there was no way of being aware of that element within which was at complete rest. Secondly, the situations which I was now promptly cursing, were in fact created by me and all I was going through were the experiences left behind from those creations. No matter in what situations we are, we are completely responsible for what we are going through. It could be happiness or misery, but we have created it and then we try to escape it, which in turn creates more misery. This understanding bought with it a subtle yet overwhelming joy that I just leapt out of bed and couldn't sleep after that. It was a joy beyond boundaries, from some unknown source... a light in the middle of darkness. How true was the wisdom! I was in the midst of situations which I myself had created and once this was accepted, some kind of a transcedence happend of it's own accord and the misery was gone. If I was responsible for the misery, then I can be responsible for the happiness too. And if I was creating both my misery and happiness, then there was certainly a way to rest and create nothing, just participate in what existence was creating and that is the essential meaning of meditation. The word ceased to be a word anymore and had re-entered into my life with a new meaning, a new dimension. I'm responsible for what I create & experience and thus I'm beyond both, just a silent witeness. Why then do I cry and fume over my own creation? Why do people cry and fume over what they experience? it is their own creation, their own plant that they sowed..what is the need to feel so miserable about? It is time to realize, understand this and face life in a new, meditative way.